Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What dog wears contact lenses?
→ A cock-eyed spaniel!

A man and his son were shovelling the driveway after a heavy snowfall when their dog, Lady, wandered away from them. Man, fearing the dog might be hit by car, shouted angrily: "Lady! Lady! Get over here right now!" The dog charged happily back over to them, accompanied by a commuter who had been standing at the bus stop. "Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" she asked.

Why did the dog say he was an actor?
→ His leg was in a cast.

Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet arrives.

- Give me some roll, Winnie!

- It's not a roll, it's a bun.

- Give me some bun, Winnie!

- It's not a bun, it's a bap.

- Give me some bap, Winnie!

- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain in the neck! You can't even make up your mind!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
→ A sourpuss!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.

- Twelve dollars for the rat, sir - says the shop owner.

- and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

- You can keep the story, old man - he replies.

- but, I'll take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

- Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story - says the owner.

- No - says the tourist.

- I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."

What did the bee say to the flower?
→ Hello honey!

What is the biggest ant in the world?
→ An elephant!

How much money did the bronco have?
→ Only a buck!