Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show?
→ I wish I could hear you whinnie.

How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable?
→ He tried to stirrup some interest!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
→ To stop getting wet!

Why did the elephant paint himself with different colours?
→ Because he wanted to hide in the colouring box!

- I've lost my dog!

- Have you tried putting a message on the Internet?

- Don't be silly, my dog never reads e-mails!

What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport?
→ Miniature golf!

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
→ If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ When they're on their back their both fucked!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

- Did you see what your monkey did now? - he asks.

- Now what? - responds the patron.

- Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! - says the barkeeper.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

- So glad to meet you - said the Hindu politely?

- Charmed I'm sure - replied the snake!