Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
→ Wire haired terriers!!

What did the hungry Dalmatian say when he had a meal?
→ That hit the spots!

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good.
2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
   After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey:

- But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:
   (A) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
   (B) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

- Really bad - said the second bee.

- the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey.

- No problem - said the first bee.

- Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

- Thanks for the tip - said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked:

- How'd it go?

- Fine - said the second bee.

- It was everything you said it would be.

- Uh, what's that thing on your head? - asked the first bee.

- That's my yarmulka - said the second bee.

- I didn't want them to think I was a wasp.

Which rabbit was in Western movies?
→ Hopalong Cassidy.

What is a mouse's favorite record?
→ 'Please cheese me'!

What would happen if tarantulas were as big as horses?
→ If one bit you, you could ride it to hospital!

What did one flea say to the other flea when they came out of the movies?
→ Should we walk home or take a dog?

Did you hear about the depressed horse?
→ He told a tale of whoa!

What will Santa bring your fish this Christmas?
→ A scale letrix!