Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk?
→ Anytime he wants to go.

Why don't chickens like people?
→ They beat eggs!

- Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?

- Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?

- Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy:

- That's it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said:

- Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said:

- Should I tell her or should you?

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

- You're the first man I've seen after months at sea - she coos.

- I'll do anything you want.

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

- Great - he says.

- Will you walk my dog for me?

How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
→ You get a buzzy signal.

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!

What did one snake say to another?
→ Hiss off!

What do you get when you cross a bunny with a leek?
→ A bunion.

Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team?
→ Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.