Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods?
→ Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

- Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?

- Yes - said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot:

- What's your name?

- Clarence - said the bird.

- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.

- What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrot said:

- The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.

Where do the cleverest parrots live?
→ In the brain tree forests!

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says:

- Sorry we don't serve snails

and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...

- What did you do that for!

My 75 year old Dad was taking his daily walk through the park when he heard a tiny voice calling to him.

- Hey, mister! Pssst, mister!

Dad looked all around, and spotted a little frog sitting in the grass looking up at him.

- Hey mister - said the frog.

- A wicked witch cast a spell on me, and turned me into an ugly frog. If you'll just kiss me I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad reached down, picked up the frog, put it in his pocket, and proceeded to walk on. The frog called out to him again:

- Hey! Didn't you hear me? I said if you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and be forever grateful.

Dad replied:

- I heard you, but at my age, I'd rather just have a talking frog!

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves:

- What are you doing in there? - she asked.

The rabbit replied:

- This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?

The lady confirmed:

- Yes.

- Well, - the rabbit said - I'm westing.

Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors?
→ Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.

What soft drink do pigs like best?
→ Root beer.

What did the fat pig say when the farmer dumped corn mash into the trough?
→ I'm afraid that's all going to waist.

Why do Apes like tall buildings?
→ They want to climb the heights of the business world!