Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said:

- In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose.
The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said:

- Now it's my turn to punch you.

The Scotsman said:

- Keep the lousy egg.

Why are bats blind?
→ Well, your eyesight wouldn't be too good if you hung upside down all day would it?

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch:

- Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says:

- Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:

- It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town.

On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey.

- I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here. - The bartender told him.

- I know - Garvin replied.

- But I'm flat broke, and I sure could use a drink.

- OK - The barkeep told him.

- I'll just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack.

- Oh no, don't do that, I don't want everyone in town to see it.

- Don't worry - The bartender replied.

- I'm going to cover it up with your parka until its paid!

What is the difference between men and pigs?
→ Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
→ Lipstick.

What did the farmer say when all his cows charged him at once?
→ I'm on the horns of a dilemma here!

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

- Look at that speed! - said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.

- Hmph! - snorted the other.

- You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!

Why does a flamingo lift up one leg?
→ Because if he lifted up both legs it would fall over!