Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's a pet's favorite day?
→ Saint Petrick's Day

What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
→ Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?

Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting:

- Pieces of four?

→ Short John Silver!

What do you call a greedy ant?
→ An anteater!

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

- Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' - asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded:

- Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...

- I didn't ask for any details - the lawyer interrupted, just answer the question.

- Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'

Farmer Joe said:

- Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as driving down the road...

The lawyer interrupted again and said:

- Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer:

- I'd like to hear what he has to say.

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded:

- Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

- I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

- Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said:

- Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?

What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

Spell mousetrap with three letters.
→ C-A-T

What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?
→ After a week he was spotless!

What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
→ A pecking order.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said:

- I wish you could talk.

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

- Well, did you see this?

- Yes - motioned the monkey.

- What happened?

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

- They were drinking? - asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What else?

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

- They were smoking marijuana?

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What else?

The monkey motioned:

- kissing.

- They were kissing, too? - asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What were you doing during all this?

- Driving - motioned the monkey.