Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Which bug does amazing motor cycle stunts?

- Evel Boll Weevil.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said:

- I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

- Suit yourself - the farmer replied, the hens are round the back.

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

- I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk:

- Henry, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. - he said. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out:

- Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying:

- Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.

- Shhhhh, - Henry whispered. The buzzard is getting closer.

- Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!

- Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother.

- Did you like the parrot? - he asked her.

- Oh yes - she replied.

- It was delicious.

- WHAT! - the man cried.

- You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!

The mother paused for a moment and then said:

- So why didn't he say something?

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy.

- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. - You'll find them easily - he says.

- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown.

- Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? - asked the lawyer.

Farmer Brown responded:

- Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...

- I didn't ask for any details - the lawyer interrupted - just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!

Farmer Brown said:

- Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...

The lawyer interrupted again and said:

- Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer:

- I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.

Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded:

- Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

He continued:

- I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

- Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story.

- The patrolman looked at me and said - 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.

- Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? - she asked.

- No, thanks - replied the vultures.

- They're carrion.

What's the difference between a worm and an apple?
→ Have you ever tried worm pie?!

Who has a long nose, wears a mask, and sits tall in the saddle?
→ The Lone Aardvark!