Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory:

- Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic.

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence.

- Also - he said further - be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings.

One tourist asked:

- How do you identify bear droppings?

- Oh that's easy - the guide explained - its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled:

- Pull, Nellie, pull!

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered:

- Pull, Buster, pull!

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded:

- Pull, Coco, pull!

Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said:

- Pull, Buddy, pull!

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

- Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!

Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal?
→ Because he ate his ant for dinner!

What gas do snails prefer?
→ Shell.

What do you call an ant who skips school?
→ A truant!

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled:

- Pull, Nellie, pull.

Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled:

- Come on, pull Ranger.

Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud:

- Now pull, Fred, pull hard.

Benny just stood.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said:

- Okay, Benny, pull.

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.

The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said:

- Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."

How does the pig farmer get to the fair?
→ He rides piggyback.

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.

They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says:

- You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says:

- One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.

The farmer is amazed.

- Exactly right - he says - How did you work that out so fast?

- Easy - says the accountant - I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish.

The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him:

- Hey, you have to pay for that.

The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again:

- Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute.

She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.