Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What creature has the best aptitude for engineering?
→ The spider -- It has its own website.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two...but I don't know how they'd get in there!

- Waiter, there is a frog in my soup!

- Don't worry sir there isn't enough there to drown him!

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying:

- I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!

Tom answered:

- Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!

Otis then joins in and says:

- Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her:

- Do you want them mounted?

Blushing, she said:

- No. Holding hands will be fine.

What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
→ Wait until he's finished.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said:

- I do... Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure, Kemosabe

and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims:

- I do, what's wrong with him this time?

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says:

- Nothin', but did you know you left your injun running?

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

How do you get milk from a witch's cat?
→ Steal her saucer.