Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?
→ Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalog.

How you get down from an elephant?
→ You don't, you get down from ducks.

What city has the largest rodent population?
→ Hamsterdam.

What did God say when Joan of Arc showed up at the Pearly Gates?
→ "Well done."

What did one cloned sheep say to the other?
→ "I am ewe."

What did one magnet say to the other magnet?
→ "I find you very attractive."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
→ Nothing, they just waved.

What did one potato chip say to the other?
→ Shall we go for a dip?

What did the painter say to the wall?
→ "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

What do cats like on a hot day?
→ A mice cream cone.

What do cats like on their hot dogs?
→ Mouse-tard.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast?
→ Mice Krispies.

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver:

- I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said:

- Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

- Well, just return my money to me - Kenny said.

"Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it."

- OK then, just unload the donkey - said Kenny.

- Whatcha gonna do with him? - asked the farmer.

- I'm going to raffle him off - Kenny replied.

- You can't raffle off a dead donkey! - the farmer exclaimed.

"Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked:

- So, what happened with the dead donkey?

- Didn't anyone complain? - inquired the farmer.

- I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00 - explained Kenny.

- Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back - Kenny proudly replied.

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

The boy confessed sadly:

- Pa, the chickens got loose, but I managed to find all twelve of them.

- Well, you did real good, son - the farmer beamed.

- You left with seven.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Werewolf Barbie ...normal doll, except under a full moon

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog?
→ A fangfurther.

Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.
→ Because they travel in schools.