Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying:

- You can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks.

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says:

- For stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says:

- I don't know what I did to deserve this.

The man replies:

- I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.

What do you call an road construction aardvark?
→ A tarredvark!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To show the squirrel it CAN be done!

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says... "Why the long face?"

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter:

- You got any grapes?

Guy at the counter says:

- No, we don't have any grapes.

Duck says:

- okay. - and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says:

- You got any grapes?

The man once again replies:

- No! We do not have any grapes.

The duck says:

- Okay. - and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks:

- You got any grapes?

The man is very annoyed and says:

- No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!

The duck replies:

- Okay, - and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks:

- You got any nails?

The man at the counter says:

- No.

The duck says:

- Well then, you got any grapes?

Daffynition: Hummingbird - A bird who forgot the lines to a song!

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night." So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says:

- To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him.

How do you catch King Kong?
→ Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

- Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says:

- What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?

- The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!