Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence:

- I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read:

- I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience.

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.

- Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose, - he typed.

- Please send us two of them.

Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other:

- Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street.

The other man replies:

- No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!

The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.

The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!

The man says:

- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!

The bartender says:

- Oh, okay then.

The man drinks his beer and leaves.

The first man then puts on dark sunglasses and goes into the bar. The bartender looks up and says:

- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!

The man says:

- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!

The bartender says:

- Oh really? I've never heard of a Chihuahua seeing-eye dog!

The man, thinking quickly, blurts out:

- Oh, man! You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?

Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

3 elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said:

- The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. One bite and your gone.

The second shook his head and said:

- Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator. He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap ?, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone.

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said:

- No sir, the meanest aninmal in the world is a hippagator.

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain:

- A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other

- WAIT ! - interrupted the others.

- If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit ?

The reply was simply:

- He don't, that's what makes him so mean.

What kind of whale flies?
→ Pilot whales!

- Baby Rabbit: Mommy, where did I come from?

- Mother Rabbit: I'll tell you when you're older.

- Baby Rabbit: Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now.

- Mother Rabbit: If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat.

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said:

- Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!

The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

- I'm not really sure - said the other guy - they both look similar.

- QUICK! Make up your mind! - said the ranger.

- O.K. - said the other - it was the male.

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

- But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend? - the other man asked.

- Well - said the ranger...

- I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!

What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?
→ It's butt!

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine.

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says...:

- I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat!