Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
→ From chasing parked cars.

What's invisible & smells like carrots?
→ Bunny Farts!

I heard they closed the zoo in Warsaw. The duck died.

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says:

- What about that little stable over there? What's that for?

- Well - says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment:

- you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence:

- PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon.

- Tell me, is the camel free this afternoon - the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear.

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative:

- How about I schedule you in for 2:00?

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.

Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.

- Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey:

- Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?

- Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy:

- Did you hear that Fluffy died?.

The guy stumbles around and says:

- Um.. er.. no.. what happened?.

The neighbor replies:

- We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

- I say waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Well throw him a doughnut - they make fantastic life belts!

One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment. She pulled off one of its legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command. Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty. Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn't.

- I have made a new discovery! - the blonde cried.

- When you pull all of a beetle's legs off, it becomes deaf!!