Most viewed jokes

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?
→ A tiger has the mane part missing!

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said:

- That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.

- You're right - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:

- Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?

- Yes - the professor ansvered.

- When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.

- Well - said the gatekeeper.

- That is a very minor sin. You may enter.

- Thank you very much, Saint Peter - the professor ansvered.

- Im am not Saint Peter - said the gatekeeper.

- He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.

What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn't fit into the pen?
→ "There's more there than meets the sty."

A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.

- It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning.

What is the Cuban national anthem?
→ Row Your Boat!

Why did the rooster cross the road?
→ To get to the chick across the street!

Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
→ Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.