Most viewed jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie ...one of the Turtles with Barbie head

What's an actuary?
→ An accountant without the sense of humour.

A new priest is being given instructions on what to do when he takes confession. The older priest tells the new man, for things like stealing, give 5 hail mary's, and for sleeping with the neighbours, 10 hail mary's.

So the new priest is taking confession one day. The first man in tells the priest he slept with the woman next door. The priest tells him to do 10 hail mary's and he's on his way.

The next man in, confesses to having a wank behind a bush. Somewhat puzzled, the priest steps out of the confessional box and asks two passing alter boys what the "old man" gives for a wank behind a bush.

The two boys reply:

- A can of Coke and a Mars Bar.

- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

- "All generalizations are false."

- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

- "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

- "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

- Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."

- "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."

- "Born Free. . . . . Taxed to Death"

- "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

- "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"

- "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

- "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."

- "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

- "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

- "REHAB is for quitters"

- "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

- "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

- "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"

- "E. coli Happens"

- "Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!"

- "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

- "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"

- "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

- "Towers will be violated"

- "Work is for people who don't know how to fish"

- "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!"

- "End rape. Say 'Yes!'"

- "I KNOW JACK SHIT!"

- "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

- "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

- "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

- "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some."

- "I Brake For No Apparent Reason."

- "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!"

- "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

- "Wink, I'll do the rest!"

- "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"

- "No Radio - Already Stolen"

- "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

- "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."

- "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

- "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

- "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

- "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

- "Few women admit their age, Few men act it!"

- "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"

- "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

- "Assassins do it from behind!"

- "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"

- "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"

- "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."

- "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got."

- "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"

- "Which came first? The woman or the department store?"

- "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."

- "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

- "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them."

- "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."

- "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

- "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

- "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

- "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

- "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering"

- Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"

- "Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"

- "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"

- "Forget about World Peace..... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"

- "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

- "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

- "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

- "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."

- "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

- "He who laughs last thinks slowest"

- "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

- "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

- "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

- "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

- "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

- "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

- "i souport publik edekasion"

- "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

- "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated."

- "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

- "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."

- "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

- "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

- "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

- "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock."

- "2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

- "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."

- "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."

- "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

- "I is a college student."

- "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

- "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

- "Eschew obfuscation."

- "God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!"

- "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

- "CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason."

- "We're staying together for the sake of the cats."

- "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now."

- "My karma ran over your dogma."

- "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

- "I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily."

- "Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus."

- "Welcome to Texas, now go home."

- "It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you."

- "If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly men."

- "Life's too short to dance with ugly women."

- "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her."

- "When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)."

- "Beer isn't just for breakfast any more."

- "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

- "Will Rogers never met a lawyer."

- "Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton."

- "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

- "Don't steal. The government hates competition."

- "Is there life before coffee?"

- "Never play leap frog with a unicorn."

- "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m"

- "The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful."

- "I Cayman went."

- "My other wife is beautiful."

- "I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?"

- "Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

- "Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle."

- "Nuke the unborn baby whales."

- "Geez if you belive in honkus."

- "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

- "Save California; when you leave take someone with you."

- "I came, I saw, I did a little shopping."

- "There's one in every crowd and they always find me."

- "If money could talk, it would say goodbye."

- "When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger."

- "Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats."

- "If it's too loud, you're too old."

- "The worst day fishing is better than the best day working."

- "Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing."

- "Who cares who's on board?"

- "Die Yuppie Scum."

- "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it."

- "Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister."

- "Women make great leaders. You're following one now."

- "Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities."

- "Exxon Suxx."

- "Honk if you love cheeses."

- "Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist."

- "I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be."

- "So many pedestrians, so little time."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works...:

- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

- All the men on this floor are short and plain.

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

- All the men here are short and handsome.

Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

- All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:

- All the men here are tall and handsome.

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads:

- There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman!

As Hostage Taker:

- Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

- Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

- Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

- Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

- Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

- Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

- Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

- Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

- Forget your gun at home.

- Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".

- Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.

As Negotiator:

- Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.

- When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"

- When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.

- Show up stoned and do anything at all.

- When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"

- Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.

- Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.

- Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.

- Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.

- When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson?
→ He stank to the bottom of the pool!

If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
→ A stri-ped!

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said:

- Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000.

The client asked:

- What? How's that possible?

The doctor replied:

- You see, it's totally unused.