Most viewed jokes

What's a shy and retiring accountant?
→ An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming:

- My penis just died, my penis just died!

The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him:

- I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?

Grandpa replies:

- Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

What do you get when you put a Gay guy and a dinosaur together?
→ > A MegasaurASS

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
→ The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.

What does HMO stand for?
→ This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
→ No. Only those you need.

I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
→ Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

What are pre-existing conditions?
→ This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
→ Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
→ You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
→ Poke yourself in the eye.

I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
→ You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
→ Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
→ You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
→ Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
→ Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Will health care be any different in the next century?
→ No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens.

The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?"

The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then."

All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?"

"No problem," the martain man replies.

Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider.

The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex.

The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?"

The man replied, "It was awful!! The martain woman kept slapping my forehead and puling my ears!"

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happenin'.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

• "That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
• "And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
• Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for? Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do is it mining and engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
• "Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."
• Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."
• James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:

- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly:

- That would be the Titanic.

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

- How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.

- 1,228 - he answered.

- That's right! You may enter.

St. Peter turned to the lawyer:

- Name them.