Most viewed jokes

Why do pigs love Halloween?
→ There's lots of hogsgobblin.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said:

- That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.

- You're right - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey.

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively:

- Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

- No, I won't sleep with you tonight!

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

- I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs:

- What do you mean $200?

What has four legs and see just as well from either end?
→ A horse with his eyes closed!

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:

- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.

- Because - the man says:

- I live in a two-story house.

The Judge replies:

- What kind of a reason is that?

What is the big deal about a two-story house?

The man answers:

- Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting:

- Your mom's the best sex in town!

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says:

- I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces:

- Your mom liked it!

Finally the guy interrupts:

- Go home, Dad, you're drunk!

- Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring.

- Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Well I'll be. - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:

- I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?

- I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Why is a baby like an diamond?
→ Because it's a dear little thing.

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
→ All sorts of antics!