Most viewed jokes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. - William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. - Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. - Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. - William Faulkner
The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. - Robert Benchley

What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
→ Winnie the Pooh!

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up:

- Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship, - the husband explained.

- She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts.

He continued:

- She communicates well and I act like I'm listening.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies:

- My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl:

- Do you like spinach?

She says:

- No, and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks:

- Do you have a brother?

Again, the girl says:

- No, and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question:

- If you had a brother, would he like spinach?

- Look at that bald man over there.

- It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.

Why did the Gorilla enlist in the ragged continental army?
→ To avoid the draft!

A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.

- Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!

- Nurse: What is it?

- Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!

What did the bicycle call its dad?
→ Pop-cycle

How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana?
→ Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said:

- I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied:

- I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:

- Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

- May I have your attention please? - she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.

- We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore:

- F--- you.

Without flinching, she smiled and said:

- I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too.