Most viewed jokes

Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?
→ Because they're crab apples!

Two old guys, like 80 yrs. old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores.

The woman was like, they're old, what are they gonna know. So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls.

After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2:

- How was your whore?

- She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?

- She was a witch.

- What do you mean a witch?

- I bit her tit and she flew out the window!

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:

- Don't give it back! Don't give it back!

- Why? - asked the man.

- You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!

What is the difference between a good Lawyer and a great Lawyer?
→ A good Lawyer knows the law and a great Lawyer knows the Judge!!!

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her.

- Hi, Joe - she said.

- I haven't seen you in a long time.

Joe was puzzled.

- Charlie, is that you? What are you doing dressed up like a woman?

- Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman.

Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said:

- Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.

- Yeah, but that wasn't the most painful part.

Joe's gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach.

- Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.

- Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn't the worst part.

- I don't believe it, Charlie. What could possibly be worse than that?

- The final operation was the worst.

- That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain!

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says:

- Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!

The second goes:

- Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!

The third guy says:

- That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.

The first guy leans back in and whispers:

- I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.

How do you know if you are a geek?
→ Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.00

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

- You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

- Hit him again Doc, Hit him again! - the 5 yr. old said.

- He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!