Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.
Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.
- Well - she explained.
- up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend.
- In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?
→ A crab apple!
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
→ Ten ants!
What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
→ A full set of teeth!
Questions to Ponder about Viagra
If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?
I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.
I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.
Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."
Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO." Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.
Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?
If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.
A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.
Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.
VIAGRA CAUSES PANIC
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Viagra, the new pill for impotence approved by the Food and Drug Administration on Friday, is already causing problems across the country. The FDA had said a man would need to by sexually aroused before the drug would work, but apparently failed to consider that most men walk around in a constant state of sexual arousal. Several disasters or near-disasters have already been reported:
FDA Spokesperson Bonnie Thurston commented:
- There's no limit to the damage that this pill could cause. We've got to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands, like President Clinton's, for example, of we could have a potential nuclear mistake.
Well, there was this truck driver that had been driving all day and hadn't stopped for lunch or anything and he was getting REAL hungry. He sees this diner and pulls in, walks up to the counter and sits down by this old biker who was staring at a steaming bowl of chili.
The waitress comes up and asks the trucker what he'll have and he looks at that chili and says:
- Lady, I am starving to die, here, that chili looks good, I'll have that.
The waitress goes off and comes back with the trucker's steamy bowl of chili that he promptly gulps down. Not satisfied yet, he looks over at the biker who is still staring at his chili. The trucker tells him:
- hey, I'm still kind of hungry, if you're not gonna eat that, may I?
and the biker slides the bowl of chili toward the trucker.
Well, the trucker takes his time with this bowl. He gets about half way down and there's this big greasy dog turd in the bowl. The trucker proceeds to barf everything back into the bowl and the biker says:
- yep, that's as far as I got, too!
Two guys decide to go on a hunting trip. When there friend hears about it, he begges to go. The two men are skeptical, because every time there friend goes, he scares away all the game. The friend promises that if he is allowed to go, he will stay at the camp site, because he likes to camp more than hunt. They agree and they start on their trip.
Once camp is set up, the two men decide to go hunt, and their friend stays behind. After several hours they finally spot a ten point buck, but a shrill scream scares the buck away. The two men run back to camp, only to find their friend standing there looking up into the trees.
- What's wrong? - They asked.
- Yeah, you scared off our game.
- I'm sorry, fellas. I didn't screm when the snake fell out of the tree and wrapped aound my neck. I didn't yell when the bear came out of the woods and mauled me nearly to death. But those SQUIRELS...
What had happened to the poor man was that two squirels had climbed up his pants leg. The first squirel asked the second:
- Do we eat them NOW, or do we take them HOME?
How many animals can you get into one pair of pantyhose?
→ Several. Ten little piggies, two calves, many hares, one ass and a beaver!
I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.
Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.
I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.
Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...and watched it duck hook two fairways away...
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
- Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy.
- Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging around like this. - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
- Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes. - Ian St John, ITV
- Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game. - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment.
- Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline? - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
- Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold. - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
- Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day.
