There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said:
- Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?
Then the second Snake says:
- Why do you ask?
The 1st one replies:
- I just bit my lip!
Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed:
- I can't break this! I need exact change.
- Come on buddy. - Jack pleaded
- Can't you give me a break, just this once?
- Nope. Sorry. Exact change! - Answered the collector.
While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector:
- Do you really like this job?
- Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills - replied the collector.
- what do you do for a living? - he asked.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack said:
- I'm a rectum stretcher.
- A what? - asked the collector.
- A rectum stretcher. - Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
- What does a rectum stretcher do? - The collector asked.
- Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums. - Jack explained setting aside a nickle.
- Wow, is there much call for that kind of work? - The collector asked.
- Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend. - Jack said.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asked:
- Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?
- ...How big do I stretch them? - Jack interupted.
- Most of them, not too big - He continued
- but I have stretched some up to six feet.
- SIX FEET! - The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack.
- Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?
Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered:
- Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out:
- Gee, you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything.
- Now, son, - scolded Bentley:
- you musn't be picky about your mother's little faults.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said:
- I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.
- She did - he replied - But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?
Why do hamburgers act brilliantly on stage?
→ They give meaty performances - especially if they are in their prime!
Did the bionic monster have a brother?
→ No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!
An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to "tan" the squirrel's pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animal's brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).
The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrel's head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pa's admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains.
His sick Pa was upset:
- I can't tan that skin without no brains! - he said.
- Now what am I a gonna do?
Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work.
- Well, we're only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and I'll use his brains to tan the skin - he told the son.
The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasn't large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologist's brains.
- Look on the bright side, boy - the old man told him.
- Two more ought to be just enough. We'd have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hunchback Barbie ...pull the string and she cries:
- Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Why don't bananas snore?
→ Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
