Most viewed jokes

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says:

- The parrot on the left costs $500.

- Why does that parrot cost so much? - asks the accountant.

- Well - replies the owner.

- it knows how to do complex audits.

- How much does the middle parrot cost? - asks the accountant.

- That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.

The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question:

- What can it do?

To which the owner replies:

- To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.

If all the nations in the world are in the debt, where did all the money go?

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to:

- I'm afraid not, sir - the clerk told him.

- but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents."

- Why not? - thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his "thing" into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his "thingy"...

Which now had a button sewed on the tip.

How do you spell relief?
→ F A R T

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- This one isn't wearing any shoes either!

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

Then the hooker's gramma came and said:

- Why are all of you girls lined up?

The girl didn't want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said:

- We're lined up to buy oranges

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said:

- How do you do it, you're so old?!?

Gramma says:

- It's easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

- Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?

- The Guy: Yeah, I'm really depressed

- Bartender: Why, what's the matter?

- The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

- Bartender: Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?

- The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over

- Bartender: That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

- The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
→ An Italian suppository.

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of dollar bills and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.

- What on earth did you do that for? - shouts Frank.

- You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze!!!

Matt replies:

- What...and we weren't?