Most viewed jokes

What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?
→ Sir!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
→ Wheres my tractor!

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
→ You take me for grunted.

What do you get when you cross a Cuban and a Pollock?
→ Ricky Retardo

How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar?
→ Throw it under a bus.

How did a blind man meet his wife?
→ On a blind date!

A young biologist was sitting on a stump at the edge of their camp. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. One of the other biologists saw his sad looks and asked:

- What's the matter?

The young biologist said:

- They put me in the same tent with old Doctor Perkins. He snores all night, takes a bath once a month, and talks non-stop about back when he studied passenger pigeons. He's so damn old, I think he was a lackey for Charles Darwin. He generally just makes my life Hell. We had a big fight about it and they split us up for a month

The older biologist said:

- That should make you happy.

The young biologist sadly shook his head and said:

- Not when the month is up today!

- Stewardess

- Yes, Sir?

- I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.

- Captain, shut up and land the plane.

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol.

- Throw out more! - shouts the pilot.

So they throw out a rifle.

- More! - he cries again.

They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says:

- A pistol hit me on the head!

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says:

- A rifle hit me on the head!

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him:

- Kid, what's so funny?

The boy replies:

- I sneezed and a house blew up!

Where do ants go to eat?
→ At a restaurant!