Most viewed jokes

Do fish get thirsty?

Office work dull?...

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?...

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

One-Point Gags

• Run one lap around the office at top speed
• Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
• When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
• Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
• Walk sideways to the photcopier.
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

Three-Point Gags

• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get All that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting

Five-Point Gags

• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two"
• After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent, as in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights"
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can' talk about it"
• Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go
• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

There are three girls in the Fifth Grade. There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead.

Which one is the probably the smartest?
→ If you guessed the blonde you were correct.... she's 19 years old!

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.

- Don't let me spoil a good time for you, - she said.

After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself:

- I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked:

- Well, how was the party?

He replied:

- It was no fun without you honey.

She said:

- I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied:

- Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says:

- No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

The guy says:

- You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

The bartender says:

- Only if what you show me ain't risque.

- Deal! - says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says:

- You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

- Money or another miracle else no drink - says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says:

- It's a deal.

He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy:

- Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.

- Not so - says the guy.

- The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

• You woke me up for that?
• Do you smell something burning?
• Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
• Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• Got any penicillin?
• Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
• I want a baby!
• But everybody looks funny naked!
• Did I mention the video camera?
• So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
• Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• That leak better be from the waterbed!
• I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
• But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
• You look younger than you feel.
• Perhaps you're just out of practice.
• You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
• They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
• You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
• What tampon?
• I have a confession...
• I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• Did I mention my transsexual operation?
• Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
• Hic! I need another beer for this please
• I think biting is romantic- don't you?
• When would you like to meet my parents?
• Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
• Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
• Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
• I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
• Do you have a light?
• Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
• Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
• I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
• So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
• Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

Guys shouldn't say:

• A little rug burn never hurt anyone! (in the No Tell Motel)
• Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
• And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
• (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
• Do you get any premium movie channels?
• But I just brushed my teeth...
• I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
• You're good enough to do this for a living!
• Is that blood on the headboard?
• Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
• I wish we got the Playboy channel...
• No, really... I do this part better myself!
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people...
• That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
• Now I know why he dumped you...
• Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
• Have you ever considered liposuction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• What are you planning to make for breakfast?
• Are those real or am I just behind the times?
• Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
• I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
• A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
• Does this count as a date?
• You can cook, too right?
• Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
• You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
• My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
• Is this a sin too?
• I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
• Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses...
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
• You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!

- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says:

- No, that's fine with me.

- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!

HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. Opens window. Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air. Pulls up to a 7 -11. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer. Curses the night. Curses you. Curses the large slurpee. Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. He had to look up pernicious. Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary. Couldn't spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all.

But she is laughing inside.. And of course you're still lost.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

- We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.

- Well, tell me! - the man said.

The policeman said:

- We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said:

- Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said:

- I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay.

- Oh my god!, - said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.

Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked:

- What's the good news?

- Well, - said the policeman.

- When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

- If that's the good news than what's the great news?! - Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said:

- We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.

- Oh, no, it's my husband!

The man says:

- Where's your back door?

- We don't have a back door - says the woman.

The man then asks:

- Well, where do you want a back door?