Most viewed jokes

Why do blondes have orgasms?
→ So they know when to stop having sex!

- Patron: Waiter!

- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter.

- Waiter: What seems to be the problem?

- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- Patron: No, it's still there.

- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

- Patron: A SOUP bowl!

- Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

- Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

- Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now!

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- Patron: This is potato soup.

- Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

- Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

• Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
• Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
• Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Your momma is so fat, she was swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing, "we are family".

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

- As you can see - he says:

- the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks:

- What would you do in a case like this?

- Well - ponders the student:

- I suppose I'd limp, too.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:

- I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me.

The husband says:

- WHAT???

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says:

- but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says:

- I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.

The husband says:

- no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff.

The wife face goes blank.

- No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says:

- You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
→ Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
→ They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:

- I haven't eaten anything for days.

She looked at him and said:

- God, I wish I had your willpower.

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

- Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl?
→ A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!

What is a chameleon's motto?
→ A change is as good as a rest!

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet's diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

- There - says the vet.

- Your hamster is dead.

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.

- It's definitely dead sir - says the vet.

Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes:

- That will be L1000, please.

- A L1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead - fumes the man.

- Well - says the vet.

- There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan.

What kind of money do polar bears use?
→ Ice lolly!