Most viewed jokes

Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father:

- Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?

To which the father replies:

- They are making a puppy!

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father:

- Daddy what are you and mommy doing?

To which the father replies:

- Johnny we are making you a little sister.

Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds:

- Well, daddy could you roll her over? I'd rather have a puppy!

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up. St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician. St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him:

- Sounds pretty good; okay you can go in to Heaven.

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved. St. Peter said:

- Sounds very useful, very good--you can go in too.

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

- Well, what's that? - asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved:

- Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too.

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs. St. Peter turns and calls after him:

- Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days.

Yo mamma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and said "Hey, where's my gumball?"

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...:

- Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

- If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.

- If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.

- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

- If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.

- If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.

- If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.

- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

- If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.

- If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.

- If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.

- If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.

- If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.

- If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.

- If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.

- If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.

- If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.

- If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.

- If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.

- If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.

- If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.

- If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

- If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.

- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.

- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

- Ignorant, and proud of it.

- Immune from any serious head injury.

- Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.

- In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.

- In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.

- In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said:

- No, thanks.

• Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
• Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
• Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
• Produces a zero-length core dump.
• Proof God has a sense of humor.
• Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
• Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
• Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
• Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
• Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
• Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
• Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
• Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
• Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
• Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
• Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
• Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
• Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
• Reset line is glitching.
• Result of a first cousin marriage.
• Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
• Room for rent, unfurnished.
• RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
• Running at 300 baud.
• Running on a 286.
• Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)

Satan greets him:

- Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says:

- I'll take this option.

- Fine - says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

- That was Bill Gates! - cried Lucifer.

- Why did you give him the best place of all!

- That's what everyone thinks - snickered Satan.

- The bottle has a hole in it!

- What about the PC?

- It's got Windows 95! - laughed Satan.

- And it's missing three keys,

- Which three?

- Control, Alt and Delete.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a scientist's door:

- Gone fission.

Sign in a taxidermist's window:

- We really know our stuff.

Sign in a podiatrist's window:

- Time wounds all heels.

Sign in a butcher's window:

- Let me meat your needs.

Sign on used car lot:

- Second hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on fence:

- Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Sign in a car dealership office:

- The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Sign over a cannibal's hut:

- I never met a man I didn't like.

Sign in a muffler shop:

- No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers, one is biting hers, one is licking hers. Which one is married?
→ The one with the wedding ring, YOU SICK-O!