Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."
- Bridegroom: Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?
- Bride: But darling, we are alone, aren't we?
- Bridegroom: What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?
- Bride: MY mother! I thought she was YOUR mother!!!
Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.
Bill says to Hillary:
- I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.
Hillary says:
- Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.
Chelsea says:
- I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
- Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? - he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
- I was a good father - he answers.
- Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said:
- Come on, Penny, let's get out of here.
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Dear Kill 17,000
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
→ Reptiles!
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
→ Because those men already have boyfriends.
- Mother: Fred, why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed?
- Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
