Most viewed jokes

What is even bigger than an elephant?
→ A giant!

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
→ Go into town and gang-audit someone.

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says:

- There is really no justice in the world.

The other little old lady says:

- What do you mean by that?

The first little old lady says:

- Look at that - When I was 20 - I was curious about it. When I was 30 - I enjoyed it. When I was 40 - I asked for it. When I was 50 - I paid for it. When I was 60 - I prayed for it. When I was 70 - I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!

What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990's?
→ Microsoft Works!

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Thanks, Guys!"
→ "Are you boys all in the same band?"
→ Do you guys all play for the same team?
→ Who were all those guys?

Here is a story about a famous food critic's recent visit to Europe last summer. He had a delightful time sampling the cusine in Italy, France and Germany, but he made the mistake of stopping off in London on the way home.

Needless to say, he found English food bland and overcooked. However, one day he had a great meal of fish & chips at a London pub. He asked the manager of the pub if he could have the recipe for the fish and chips.

The manager confessed that he bought his fish and chips from a nearby monestary, and so our critic would have to get the recipe from one of the brothers.

So he quickly ran down the street to the monestary and knocked on the door. When one of the brothers came to the door, he asked him if he were the "Fish Friar."

The brother repiled:

- Nope, I'm the Chip Monk!

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?" "They're Carol's."

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a Santa Fe gas station:

- We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant:

- Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:

- Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

- 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:

- Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward:

- No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore:

- We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company:

- Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:

- Mental Health Prevention Center

Why did the whale like the diver?
→ Because he had flippers!

Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
→ Squidnappers!