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What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
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Who won the animal race?
→ The giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck, but the aardvark won by a nose!

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks:

- I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says:

- Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?

He replies:

- You didn't use what I got you last year!

A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

- OK, follow me.

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

- Do you see that tree over there?

- YES, YES, YES!! - the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

- Well I didn't!

Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply.

- Okay Rodge - shouted Barry.

- I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and..

but before he could finish, he heard Roger call:

- But both my legs are broke.

Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was:

- They're broken too!

So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said:

- You right there mate?

to which Rodger replied:

- YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says:

- I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said:

- You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied:

- I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

New Words for the 2000s

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather:

- I believe it's snowing.

- No, it looks too wet to be snow - he said.

The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said:

- Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!

Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employer's Lingo

• "COMPETITIVE SALARY" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" - We have no time to train you.
• "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" - Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• "DUTIES WILL VARY" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" - We have no quality control.
• "CAREER-MINDED" - Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• "APPLY IN PERSON" - If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employee's Lingo

• "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" - I've used Microsoft Office.
• "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE" - I pilfer office supplies.
• "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES" - I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK" - I blame others for my mistakes.
• "I'M PERSONABLE" - I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL" - I carry a Day-Timer.
• "I AM ADAPTABLE" - I've changed jobs a lot.
• "I AM ON THE GO" - I'm never at my desk.
• "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED" - The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese:

- Wasukima! Wasukima!

He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted:

- Wasukima!

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked:

- Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?