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A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains:

- I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5.

Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says:

- OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!

This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the first question:

- What's the distance from the earth to the moon?

The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer:

- What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?

The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks:

- Well, so what's the answer?

Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
→ Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
→ Tame way, unique up on him.

Do you know why David killed Goliath and then decapitated him?
→ He wanted to get a-head!

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
9. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
10. <----------------The information went data way-----------
11. Best file compression around: "DEL . " = 100% compression
12. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
13. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
14. The name is Baud....... James Baud.
15. BUFFERS FILES_ 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
16. Access denied. Nah nah na nah nah!
17. c:\> Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
19. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found ... Out of Memory...
36. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press -- to continue...
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender. Insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
55. Go ahead, make my data

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

- Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. - (Judy, 8)

- Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

- You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - (Jim, 10)

- Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them - (Lynette, 9)

- It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - (Jan, 9)

- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - (Roger, 9)

- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. - (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - (Jeanne, 8)

- It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - (Gary, 7)

- Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

- They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. - (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television. - (Anita, 6)

- Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - (Bobby, 8)

- I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. - (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

- One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

- Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - (Del, 6)

- Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. - (Alonzo, 9)

- One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. - (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

- Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. - (John, 9)

- Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. - (Dave, 8)

- It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire. - (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

- The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. - (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

- You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. - (Doug, 7)

- It might help to watch soap operas all day. - (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. - (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

- Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - (Tom, 7)

- Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - (Roger, 8)

- Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - (Randy, 8)

The Perfect Woman would say:

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God.. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey.. our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully... our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on a Norfolk farm:

- Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The ninth one just left.

Sign seen in London department store:

- Bargain Basement Upstairs

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station:

- Closed for official opening.

Sign in a Paris hotel elevator:

- Please leave your values at the front desk.

Sign in a hotel in Athens:

- Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel:

- The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Japanese hotel:

- You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

- You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station" (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) "Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

A blonde and a brunette both jumped off a cliff at the same time. Which made it to the ground first?
→ The brunette because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.