Most viewed jokes

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up early and eager, golfs all day long, sometimes 36 holes. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down - torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers:

- The weather out there is terrible.

To which she sleepily replies:

- Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. - Mae West
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. - Marty Feldman
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. - Steve Martin
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. - Samuel Palmer

Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?
→ For smoking in bed.

Why did the whale cross the road?
→ To get to the other tide!

What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
→ Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth!

- How old is your Grandma?

- I dunno, but we've had him a long time.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.

- Let's kill a pig.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered.

- I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.

She replied:

- These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.

The husband answered:

- But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?

- I am only here to get something to eat.

How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
→ Hide their trainers.

- Customer: How do I print my voicemail?