A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters "U.F.O." printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked:
- Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?
The alien answered:
- No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say:
- You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them:
- I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man:
- How could sandals make you into a sex freak?
The Pakistani man replied:
- Just try them on.
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming:
- YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!.
What does an army general kiss under at christmas?
→ Missile toe
If athletes get athlete's foot, astronauts get missile toe.
A bird dog could be called a point setter.
James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.
What's the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel?
→ It's a matter of a pinion!
It's a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game we're about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.
Meretricious to all! And don't forget that There's No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.
Answers
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:
- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:
- How did you do over the weekend?
- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?
- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.
- That's admirable - said the judge.
- And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)
- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.
- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!
- Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison.....
Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
→ Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
→ A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
→ It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
A Texas cowboy got a visit from his cousin who lives in the east.
He thought he would show his city-slicker cousin a local Indian tribe so he could see how they were "one with the land".
The cowboy and his cousin come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. The cowboy stops and says to his cousin, "You see that Indian?"
- Yeah - says the city-slicker.
- Look - says the cowboy.
- he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction!
Just then the Indian looks up.
- Covered wagon - he says.
- about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.
- Incredible! - says the cousin to the cowboy.
- This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. AMAZING!!!
The Indian looks up and says:
- Ran over me about a half hour ago.
The top bad excuses for speeding:
- "This is my tryout for Nascar."
- "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
- "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
- "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
- "Cause those Gorditas rule."
- "Uh-Oh.. Wapner's on... I'm an excellent driver."
- "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
- "Umm.. I'm drunk?"
- "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"
