Most viewed jokes

One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.

- I don't know - said the genie - that is really difficult. Do you have another request?

- Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!

The genie replied:

- Will that be two lanes or four?

So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says:

- Next!

He asks the first nun:

- Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The first nun says, embarrased:

- Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time...

St. Peter says:

- No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!

So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter asks the second nun:

- Have you ever come in contact with a penis?

The second nun says, embarrassed:

- Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...

- Not to worry! - laughs St. Peter.

- Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!

So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.

Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun:

- Have you ever come in cont...

Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts:

- Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!

- Be patient, child, you'll have your turn - says St. Peter.

He turns to the third one again:

- Now, have you ever come in contact with...

- Mr. PETER!!!! - The fourth one screams.

- I REALLY have to go first.

- I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!

- NO WAY! - the fourth one says, practically fuming.

- I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

- No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

- Hello, I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold? - she said.

To which she heard the bartender say:

- Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart.

She looked up and said:

- Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!

• Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
• Still boots to DOS.
• Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
• Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
• Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
• Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
• Stuck on the down escalator of life.
• Stumped by anything child-proof.
• Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
• Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
• Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
• Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
• Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
• Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
• Talks to plants on their own level.
• Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
• Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
• The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
• The butter slipped off his noodle.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
• The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
• The going got weird, and he turned pro.
• The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
• The perfect personality to write software manuals.
• The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
• The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
• The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. - Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... - Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. - Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. - John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. - Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. - Geoffrey Parfitt

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

On a New York convalescent home:

- For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop:

- Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases:

- Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:

- Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

- Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor:

- Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store:

- Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

- 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee:

- Archery Tournament-Ears pierced

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer: Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy: Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

- You can't get out of your room? - the captain asked:

- Why not?

The stewardess replied:

- There are only three doors in here - she cried:

- one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!!

- This bread is stale.

- It wasn't last week.