Most viewed jokes

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
→ 144 blondes.

Confucious say: Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wake up with smelly finger.

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says:

- So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The man replied:

- I agree with you completely this must be a sign from God!

The woman continued:

- And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man shakes his head, opens it and says "You take the first drink", then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The woman asks:

- Aren't you having any?

The man replies:

- No. I think I will just wait for the police...

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

- The water-proof towel

- Glow in the dark sunglasses

- Solar powered flashlight

- Submarine screen door

- A book on how to read

- Inflatable dart board

- A dictionary index

- Powdered water

- Pedal powered wheel chair

- Water proof tea bags

- Zero proof alcohol

- Reusable ice cubes

- Skinless bananas

- Do it yourself roadmap

There was this bartender and he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes and they were chanting "44 days! 44 days!" One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked:

- Why are you chanting 44 days?

She set down the puzzle on the counter and said:

- A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff:

- I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?