Most viewed jokes

How many weeks are there in a light year?

What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf?
→ A paredvark!

Why did the duck stick his leg into a computer?
→ He wanted to have webbed feet.

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other:

- Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?

→ The other replies:

- That was no piccolo, that was my fife.

Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.
11. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
12. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
13. There's an ATM in the lobby.
14. Choir wears leather robes.
15. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
16. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
17. Karaoke Worship Time.
18. Ushers ask:

- Smoking or Non-smoking?

1. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

- That's a lovely car - said the mechanic.

- What seems to be the matter?

- Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.

- Let me have look.

He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

- Thank goodness - she said.

- What was the matter?

- Simple really, just crap in the carburetor - he replied.

Looking shocked she asked:

- Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?

- Knock Knock!

- Who's There?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne Who?

- Dwayne The Bathtub and I'm Dwowning!

I will not waste chalk...
I will not skateboard in the halls...
I will not burp in class...
I will not draw naked ladies in class...
I did not see Elvis...
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'...
Garlic gum is not funny...
They are laughing at me, not with me...
I will not yell 'fire' in a crowded classroom...
I will not encourage others to fly...
I will not fake my way through life...
Tar is not a plaything...
I will not Xerox my butt...
I will not trade pants with others...
I will not do that thing with my tongue...
I will not drive the principal's car...
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart...
I will not sell school property...
I will not instigate revolution...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend:

- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!

- I see millions of stars - Watson said.

- What does that tell you? - Holmes asked.

Watson replied:

- Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?

- Watson, you idiot - he said.

- Someone has stolen our tent!