Most viewed jokes

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
→ You always hear about them but never see any!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Eye Patch Barbie ...with a choice of eye patch colors: purple, hot pink, or aqua!

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.

During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked:

- Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?

The flight attendant answered:

- We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient.

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked:

- Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?

The flight attendant replied:

- The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises.

The customer looked confused.

- How does that help? - he asked.

- Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands.

The customer nodded and asked:

- But how do you get it back in your pants?

The flight attendant smiled:

- I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.

When do computers go to sleep?
→ When it's internight.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None, that's a hardware problem.

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

20. Found missing
21. Resident alien
22. Airline food
23. Same difference
24. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
26. Alone together
27. Business ethics
28. Sweet sorrow
29. Military intelligence
30. Plastic glasses
31. Terribly pleased
32. Definite Maybe
33. Pretty Ugly
34. Computer Security
35. Political science
36. Diet ice cream
37. Working vacation
38. Exact estimate
39. Microsoft Works

Ha ha ha, very funny Scottie....

NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot:

- Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short!

The copilot looked out the windshield:

- Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can make it?

- Well we better, we're almost out of fuel.

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

- WHEW! That was CLOSE! - yelled the captain.

- That runway was SHORT!

- Yeah! - said the copilot, - and WIDE too!

What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common?
→ They both have colored balls.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:

- Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied:

- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says:

- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!