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TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."
11. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
12. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
13. One word: Lightsabers.
14. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
15. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
16. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
17. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
18. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I."
19. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

What did the ghost eat at his birthday party?
→ I scream

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
FROZEN SOFT + GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS + BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER + DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.

- Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?

- Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

- Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

- Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

- Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?
→ Have you ever heard anyone complaining of an elephant in their soup?

- Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.

- Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a holiday resort?
→ The Baaahaaamaaas!

The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation.

Mary went first:

- My Dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie.

Next came Tommy:

- My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter.

Third came Jimmy:

- My dad is an electrician.

But after struggling through a number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny:

- My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e - Johnny said.

- And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonna spell electrician.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:

- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

- Ever go a fishin'? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.

- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added:

- Did you ever catch 'em all?

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."