Most viewed jokes

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked:

- Do you have something you would like to say?

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

- GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!

What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
→ Retardo.

What do you do when you notice a blonde on the street?
→ Nothing. Do they exist?

- Waiter, Waiter there's a fly in my ice-cream!

- Gee I did not know that they had started winter sports so early in the year!

- What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?

- Probably learning to read.

Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?
→ It costs an arm and a leg to eat there!

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. Started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with:

- I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained:

- Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.

Her response... click.

Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies?
→ He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some:

- A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

- Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.

- Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

What does an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic do?
→ Stay up all night wondering if there really is a dog.