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A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires.

"That is the Matador Special," replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"

- That's what I'll have! - says the businessman.

"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".

Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to another customer who was there before him.

"Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."

So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims:

- I'll have the Matador Special!

- Very well, senor! - responds the waiter.

Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

- What's with this! - the now angry man shouts.

"I'm very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"

What did the aardvark say when he lost the race to the ant?
→ If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!

A software verifier read in the Bible that God protects all fools, and decided to test it empirically. He jumped out of the window and broke a leg. There he lies, writhing in pain, and happily thinks: "I never really considered myself a fool, but I never knew I was THAT clever!"

What's the difference between a faggot and a queer?
→ A faggot won't go downtown with you to beat up queers!

A blonde's house is on fire. She calls 911 and says:

- My house is on fire.

The dispatcher says:

- Well, can you tell me how we get there?

- Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course.

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

- Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.

- You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.

- Is there anything which your holiness desires?

- Well, yes, I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. - the Pope replied.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over:

- There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!

- Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please?

- Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.

- Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother?

- Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.

- Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him?

- Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too.

- Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to???

- Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too....

- Sales person: (by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!!

- Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

- I will give you three questions - said the coach.

- If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team.

- Fair enough! - said the Polak eagerly.

The coach proceeded:

- Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said:

- So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?

The Polak said:

- Two!

- Very good! - said the coach.

- And what are they?

- Today and Tomorrow!

- Hmm... OK - said the coach.

- How many seconds are there in a year?

- Twelve!

- Twelve? How did you come up with twelve? The coach was perplexed.

- Well - said the Polak.

- there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of...

- Um.. OK - broke in the coach.

- How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'

- Oh, that is easy! - laughed the Polak.

- Three hundred and sixty-five!

- WHAT? - cried the coach.

- How did you get that figure?

To which the Polak sang:

- dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee....

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise - Calories burned per hour

• Beating around the bush - 75
• Jumping to conclusions - 100
• Climbing the walls - 150
• Swallowing your pride - 50
• Passing the buck - 25
• Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) - 50-300
• Dragging your heels - 100
• Pushing your luck - 250
• Making mountains out of molehills - 500
• Hitting the nail on the head - 50
• Wading through paperwork - 300
• Bending over backwards - 75
• Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
• Balancing the books - 25
• Running around in circles - 350
• Eating crow - 225
• Tooting your own horn - 25
• Climbing the ladder of success - 750
• Pulling out the stops - 75
• Adding fuel to the fire - 160
• Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

• Opening a can of worms - 50
• Putting your foot in your mouth - 300
• Starting the ball rolling - 90
• Going over the edge - 25
• Picking up the pieces after - 350

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

- Aw, go on - the little old lady said in disbelief.

- if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?

The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said:

- I really get two more wishes?

- Yes - the good fairy assured her.

- Anything your heart desires.

- Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman.

Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.

- Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome young man.

The good fairy waved her hand and disappeared as the third wish came true, and a handsome muscular young man stood where the tomcat had just been sleeping.

The young man approached the once-old lady, took her in his arms and murmured:

- Now, aren't you sorry you sent me to the vet?