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A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. Ouch!

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

- Honey - she said:

- you received a very strange post card today.

- Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later - he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written ", , . Two with meatballs, one without."

A woman and her lover are in bed together when hubbie comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

- Don't move! You're a statue!

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says:

- Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

- Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said:

- You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?

- What dear? - She asked gently.

- I think you bring me bad luck.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

- Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?

The blonde said:

- How about 50 dollars?

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband:

- Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?

The man replied:

- She should. She was standing on the porch.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

- You're finished already? - he asked.

- Yes - the blonde answered.

- and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

- And by the way - the blonde added.

- that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

A depressed young blonde was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said:

- Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added:

- I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

- What are you doing here? - the Captain asked.

- I have an arrangement with one of the sailors - the blonde explained.

- He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me.

- He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.

- Who is it?

- Blind man - came the response.

Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered:

- Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

- That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits - he said:

- Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

- Hey - the husband said:

- let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does.

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

- Now - said the husband with an evil smile:

- tell HIM you have a headache!

A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer. The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires.

"That is the Matador Special," replies the waiter. "Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!"

- That's what I'll have! - says the businessman.

"I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day".

Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day. So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to another customer who was there before him.

"Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."

So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims:

- I'll have the Matador Special!

- Very well, senor! - responds the waiter.

Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

- What's with this! - the now angry man shouts.

"I'm very sorry, senor" said the waiter, "but the bull does not always lose!"