Most viewed jokes

- Computer helpline?

- Everytime I log onto the seven dwarfs website my computer screen goes snow white....

Another customer called Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

What does a smart man do with 365 used rubbers??
→ Makes it a tire and calls it a Good Year.

Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.

He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling:

- WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!

But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said:

- A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!

Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.

Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.

They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event - hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.

About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally:

- I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought.

Sally replied:

- I don't understand! Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.

Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

Yo mamma's so fat the cops had to use "The Jaws of life" to get her INTO her car!

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• Shutdown feature
• An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
• "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

BUG WARNING

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. Wife 1.0 will then spawn off the virus Lawyer 6.66 which, when activated, consumes all available resources and brings your system to it's knees. The funny thing is, if you try to hide Mistress 1.1 in high memory, Wife 1.0 will eventually detect it and begin the process described above.

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked:

- What's wrong?

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst:

- I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked:

- What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice:

- This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!"

- Oh my God, - the other golfers said; - That must have been horrible!

- Horrible? You think it's horrible?

Bob cried in disbelief:

- It was worse than that!!!! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

- Well, Father - began the old man. - At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.

- That's a wonderful thing - interjected the priest. - But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!

- It's gets worse Father - continued the elderly fellow. - I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded:

- Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly.

- Thank you Father - said the old man. - That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?

- Of course, my son - said the priest.

The old man asked:

- Do I have to tell her that the war is over?