Most viewed jokes

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said:

- MAN, That is the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me! - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.

- You're right! - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

- That's a good idea - the man said.

- Here, let me hold your monkey!

- Waiter, why is there a spider in my glass?

- It scares away the flies.

What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?
→ Shark absorbers!

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

- How awful! - exclaimed the wife.

- Si, but what a great way to spend eternity. - added the husband.

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

- Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8 - explained the clerk.

- Look here - inquired the farmer in surprise - when am I going to get time to see the city?

Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a group of natives.

- Greetings! How is it going? - says the visiting anthropologist.

- Wonderful! - says the other - I have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!

He points at a palm tree and says:

- what is that?

The natives, in unison, say:

- Umbalo-gong!

He then points at a rock and says:

- and that?

The natives again intone:

- Umbalo-gong!

- You see! - says the beaming anthropologist - They use the SAME word for 'rock' and for 'palm tree'!

- That is truly amazing! - says the astonished visiting anthropologist - On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...

- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.

- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.

- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said:

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

- Great! - said the first guy:

- I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

- No problem - replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.

- And what do you want to be - St. Peter asked the other guy.

- I'd like to be one cool stud! - was the reply.

- Easy - replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.

- You'll find them easily - he says:

- One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled:

- Pull, Nellie, pull.

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered:

- Pull, Buster, pull.

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded:

- Pull, Jennie, pull.

Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said:

- Pull, Buddy, pull.

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said:

- Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Medusa Barbie ...

Barbie with snakes for hair