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Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal:

- There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer!

- What are we going to do?

To which the second skunk calmly replied:

- Let us spray.

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When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue.
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.
When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation.
When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it.
Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...
...what kind of fool am I?

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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said:

- I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face.

His dad smiled and asked:

- So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?

Johnny replied:

- I think I got a fuckin' dog but I can't find the son of a bitch.

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One bright sunny day, a beautiful blonde girl was cruising the countryside in her new, shiny red sports car. Suddenly, she jammed on the brakes, and she brought the car to a sideways, screeching halt. She quickly jumped out of the car, and ran up the road a little way, to where she began fuming in anger.

For there, about 40 feet in front of her, in the middle of the road, were two other beautiful young blondes, sitting in a rowboat. One was on the middle seat, straining her arms and pulling for all she was worth on a set of oars, while the other was in the bow of the boat shouting through a megaphone:

- Stroke! Stroke!

So infuriated was the first blonde at these two and their foolishness, that she began pacing back forth on the pavement, throwing gravel and dirt at them from her place on the road, and she screamed at the top of her lungs:

- You two are so stupid, and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick both your behinds!!

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A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender:

- I have to go home or the wife will be mad.

(at this point he was loaded drunk) He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said:

- I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says:

- I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don't get home soon!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said:

- you were out drinking again last night weren't you!

The man replied with:

- NO WAY!

And the wife said:

- YOU LIAR! The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night!

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