Most viewed jokes

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
→ Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.

- Look in the lion's mouth - the vet told him.

- How do I do that? - he asked.

- Carefully - replied the vet.

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows.
They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says:

- I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem.

The hardware manager says:

- Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.

The marketing manager says:

- Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!

Don't let your mind wander too far. It is too little to go out alone!

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Coolwip" on the side..........you might be a Redneck

If your working T.V. sits on top of ur NON-working T.V. ..........you might be a Redneck

If you think a "courter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart..........you might be a Redneck

If the biggest city you've ever been too is Walmart..........you might be a Redneck

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks;

- Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

- Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!

Then the old man points out the window.

- Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says:

- But ya fuck one goat......

How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worryworry worry"
→ Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Your mamma is so fat when she steps on the scales it says one at a time please.

- Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak!

- They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir!