Most viewed jokes

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims:

- Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?

Father looks at her and says:

- Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis.

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby:

- Take me to my hotel and step on it.

The cabby turns and says:

- Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!

- Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

- Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you! - screams the hotel clerk.

- You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says:

- Thank you... Thank you very much!

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out.

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- Yes.

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back:

- She made me a much better offer.

Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern.
Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read:

- The debit side is the one nearest the window.

Who is the Lone Aardvark's faithful Indian companion?
→ Tanto

- Customer: It says I've performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Have I done something wrong?

I heard that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD backwards, you'll get a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!

Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
→ It was an inn-grown hare!

A city child came running into the farmhouse.

- No wonder that mama pig is so big - she yelled.

- There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!

Your momma is like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!