Most viewed jokes

Should I have a baby after 35?
→ No, 35 children is enough.

Why won't a witch wear a flat cap?
→ Because there's no point in it.

What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat?
→ Katabatic

What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player?
→ Bear Jordan.

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

- Cindy, you have sinned.

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other:

- I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!

- That bad, huh

- She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

- Please describe - said his attorney:

- the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity.

- Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week - the man testified.

- So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

- One Sunday morning - he continued:

- we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically:

- Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS.

- G.O.O.D - answered his wife.

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask:

- Why the spoons?

- Well, our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift. - he explained.

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.

- I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip, - he proudly explained.

I was impressed:

- Thanks. I had to ask.

- No problem, - he answered, then he continued to take our orders.

As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask:

- Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?

- Oh, yeah - he began in a quieter tone.

- Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too.

- How's that? - I asked.

- You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!

- Oh, that makes sense, - I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked:

- Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?

- Well, I don't know about the other guys; but I use the spoon in my pocket! - he whispered.