Most viewed jokes

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
→ Under "Home Improvements."

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
→ He wanted to find Pluto!

According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.

The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.

The vibration stopped immediately.

A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

What do witches ring for in a hotel?
→ B-room service.

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
11. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
12. The six front keys have rotted out.
13. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
14. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
15. The password is "Bubba".
16. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
17. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
18. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him:

- Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?

- Other guy - Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

- See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying:

- I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said:

- I'd like a Picket to Tittsburgh. And then she socked me one.

- First guy - Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife:

- Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.

- But I accidentally said:

- You ruined my life you fuckin' bitch!

There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.

A lady approaches her priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

- What do they say? - the priest inquired.

- They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed:

- but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

- Thank you! - the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say:

- Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying:

- You can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks.

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says:

- For stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says:

- I don't know what I did to deserve this.

The man replies:

- I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck.