A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
- Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says:
- What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?
- The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts:
- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!
The panda yells back at the manager:
- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the desert.
The Dutchman says:
- I'll bring an umbrella for the shade when it gets too hot.
The German says:
- I'll bring some sunglasses. This sun can really destroy your eyes!
The Belgian remains silent.
Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished.
- What's that? - they both shout.
The Belgian answers:
- It's a car door. Now I can open the window when it gets hot...
You're so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved!!
There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.
The celery was like:
- Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!
Then the carrot was like:
- You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!
Then the dick said:
- Ya, well I got it the worst.
They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
→ Because so many men fake foreplay.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None 'o yo' freakin' bitness!
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Both of them.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?
How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?"
- What do you mean today's our anniversary?
- Can we not talk to each other tonight?
- I'd rather just watch TV.
- Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
- And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
- Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
- Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
- I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
In Heaven:
- The cooks are French
- The policemen are English
- The mechanics are German
- The lovers are Italian
- The bankers are Swiss
In Hell:
- The cooks are English
- The policemen are German
- The mechanics are French
- The lovers are Swiss
- The bankers are Italian
In Computer Heaven:
- The management is from Intel
- The design and construction is done by Apple
- The marketing is done by Microsoft
- IBM provides the support
- Gateway determines the pricing
In Computer Hell:
- The management is from Apple
- Microsoft does design and construction
- IBM handles the marketing
- The support is from Gateway
- Intel sets the price
Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?
→ Under "Home Improvements."
