Most viewed jokes

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.

His friend says:

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

- So did anything happen?

- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.

- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.

- Then what happened? - says the man.

- I don't know. It was too dark to see.

- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.

What do you call an road construction aardvark?
→ A tarredvark!

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

- There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us - he announced.

- Since I'm the pilot, I get one!

After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

- I'm the world's greatest athlete - proclaimed Michael Jordon.

- This world needs great athletes, so I must live.

Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

- I'm the smarest man in the world - bragged Bill Gates.

- The world needs smart men, so I must also live!

Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak:

- I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.

- You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

- I can't stand this - said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

- Hold it, hold it - he said to the men.

- Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?

- Well, we work for the county government - one of the men said.

- But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?

- You don't understand, mister - one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

- Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

- Yea - piped up Mike.

- Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him:

- coats and jackets.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said:

- cooking.

Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant:

- grandpa and grandma.

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says:

- Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck. While pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off, then forgot about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.

As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the gas on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was waving his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.

The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.